The woes of marriage this Women’s Day
Domestic abuse, abduction, menstrual hygiene, financial dependence are at the forefront of many international women’s issues and should be the forefront of issues for everyone this women’s day. As I continue to know more about those topics, this piece is a summary of my notes on marriage. A topic that has hit especially close this year due to lockdown and isolation. Sometimes challenging the mental health of a few loved ones.
Every women’s day I think of my existence as a woman. The privileges, the hardships, and what does this day mean to me. From a girl to a woman and now to a woman in tech, this day has been very closely intertwined with my career and my life.
This year, I have decided to dive into the topic of marriage as I fundamentally try to understand what it means to me (Find my 2020 piece here.) I am in my early 30's. And that has organically added me to be in the pool of women who aren’t married by 30 (Kudos to those in ‘30+ Unmarried women’s Club’ ;)). On this women’s day, I am thinking about the woes of ‘marriage’ on the unmarried woman who constantly struggles with the subconscious pressure of the time-boxed female fertility.
I am a researcher by profession that often drains me into the rabbit hole of finding information and making sense of the bigger picture. This note is a one-person point of view based on pretty decent amount of conversations.
Marriage, historically
Not married is often a synonym for not having any form of permanent commitment and having no love especially if you are single. As I dive into understanding marriage, the social union traditionally of a man and a woman, I find some surprising facts on how it must come to being and how it has changed its form and function in different geographies and eras, to survive as one of the most widely accepted living social custom.
The first instances of marriage in history have nothing to do with love or religion but more to guarantee that the biological heir of a man/family was truly theirs.
So being in love has nothing to with being married. To which my mom says, marriage binds you! To which I say, who in today’s free world, wants to be bound!
The more and more I read about marriage, I find it surprising how this concept has been twisted to benefit men, church/religion, society, families, or the acquisitive. Marriage was accepted between cousins, a son could marry his mother, men could take multiple wives, men could take wives of others, women could take multiple men, and to top it all one culture accepted marriages to dead men for consistent access to family wealth. If you want to learn more of these, turn a few pages on Marriage, a History by Stephanie Coontz.
So, historically, marriage feels like a game of power and wealth.
The modern marriage
Modern marriages have started to focus on individuals. Marriages have the freedom of who you chose and the freedom to decide when you chose. Some of my friends chose to marry right out of college, some chose to get married and divorced early too, some chose homo sexual partners, some married across cultures, and some with big age gaps. Even in cultures where arranged marriage is very common, today the younger generation finds it hard to believe that they will marry out of love. That said even today you can see unions that are mostly based on the proposition of wealth or power. Widows remarried within families, business counterparts tying knots, and men marrying daughters from political families. In the US, I now and then see male immigrants engaged and married within a few weeks of visiting their home country.
Modern marriage on social media also makes me wonder if weddings have also found precedence over marriage. That said the traditional me likes to see some of the century-old elements still carried on in weddings. But, I observe many couples planning for the big day forefront than having a strong plan for their “happily ever after”. Topics of life — goals, career, morals, kids, religion often take a back seat for many couples. While weddings are a personal choice based on the couple’s abilities, I will not refrain from pointing the unnecessary big focus on weddings or the wedding accessories.
Marriage….or marry by age
There is no government-issued upper limit for legally getting married. But, there is an invisible thread that runs for being of marriageable age depending on where you live in a cultural context (the very origin of the word spinster.)
If you haven’t married by the marriageable age set by your peer bubble. You must have sat down at least once to give yourself a pep talk.
And then the Goldilocks theory of marriage is not any kind to the 30-year-olds. According to the theory, you have a thin window from being in your late twenties to your early thirties to avoid divorces. So the pressure of marriage is real; it’s is societal and statistical.
Most of my friends have chosen to get married and especially get married before they hit the magic number 30. Maybe I am wrong, they have been lucky to find the perfect partner before 30 or they were just avoiding the Goldilocks theory ;)
30 somethings are supposed to have their life sorted and sorting life comes with marrying the right partner. While the west gives you access to marital freedom, marriage is still a very prominent part of western society. Marriage is an expectation and it hits women especially hard with the obvious biological clock. Your career, achievements will often be buried in thirteen seconds when the nosy neighbor comments- “no kids yet!” Kids will open my pandora’s box of opinions on the ticking biological clock, but maybe that I will save for my next piece.
Marriage is a social tradition. In today’s age, there is no time-box of getting married before 30. But breaking traditions is hard, especially one that is thousands of years old. I hope today’s generation is not jumping onto it — for the sake of following a tradition, keeping up with a ticking biological clock, stopping the nosy neighbor, keeping up with the expectation of finding your prince charming by 30 or just giving yourself up to Goldilock’s theory.
For the Women…Marriage has always helped in veiling the independence of women. Something that has been carried on throughout history. As a woman who is not married and in her 30's, I have felt it is especially hard with my career compared to my marital status. Often, by people close to my heart.
Are you successful enough in your career to be not married?
But, with the coming of this millennia, and rising societal awareness. Marriage as a union maybe soon questioned or marked obsolete. Only time will tell, till then hopefully the representatives from ‘30+ Unmarried women’s Club’ keeps challenging the traditional traditions of marriage. Happy international women’s day 2021 :)
